From my darkest hour 4 years ago

Here's what's up:

Here is a post from a blog I started while working in corporate America. I love looking back, because this is sooo how i felt, and I am sooo not there now.

I would eventually get fired anyway, but here's what I thought, a week in, 4 years ago:

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(reposted from Friday, January 13, 2006)

"Come go with me"

This is my anon posting spot, to journal my first foray into corporate America on.

I thought it important to keep this log, for my own sake, more than posterity.

I am a thirty-something, AA male, who, after struggling to get my masters degree, and after years in the world of retail and labor, have earned my first salaried post. I am fantastically happy, I enjoy my co-workers, and I am ecstatic to be working with this dynamic organization, which is poised to do great things.

Today, however, I have hit my first learning-moment.

In academia, and education in general, we often discuss the teaching-moment, a point in time where the planets align, and your student "gets it."

Today, my very bubbly, flower-power boss ever-so gently, yet, unmistakably firmly instructed me to "chill out."

I am the textbook "go-getter." I like 'doing,' and I don't have a lot of patience with patience.

My boss calls it "energy." I say it's "drive."

I want to succeed, and I want to succeed at all tasks before me.

Getting back to today, I learned that in corporate America, that burning desire to achieve can quite easily be understood as the whinny-whirl of the bulldozer, and a callous honk to "get out of my way."

In no uncertain terms (though, again, very politely), I was told that I have offended too many people to mention, and that what I need to do is button up, and just "listen."

Now, I don't necessarily disagree. I mean, I am not the most patient fellow in the world. I want the morning brief, then I want to plan the strategy to win the war.

Reality is--that's not reality. Or at least, that's not how reality works. Reality has meetings, gathers input, has more meetings, then decides to take a quorum on when the next level of meetings begins. Then, two years later, if you are lucky, you've made a decision.

I am torn on that truth.

On the one hand, it is kind of like democracy. The best thing Democracy, is that when properly executed, "we all have a voice." The worst thing about Democracy, is that the closer it gets to ideal the further it gets from efficient.

Just like Democracy, the organization that I am newly a member of is very good at making high-minded ideals work, and, dammit, that is exciting to me! The bad news is, what is most exciting, the possibility of helping to manifest an ideal into a reality, is so inspiring, that I have a real hard time being patient enough for it to work.

Yin, and, alas, yang.

So, what to do?

Let me tell you.

I smile during my hand slap. I agonizingly peel back my "I know this" armor, I exhale, and I listen.

Not because I am any less enthused.

But because I really don't want to get fired.